Zakir - Maxi (Sound Guy) Can you hear me Maxi - Yes I can hear you
Crew 1 - Please check Zakir's mic If mic is fine
Crew 1 - Can Tanmay make the announcement
Zakir - Check check check check check
Zakir - Is it fine? Check check check
Crew 2 - Tanmay can make the announcement
Tanmay - Alright ladies and gentlemen
We are good to go
Are you guys excited?
Give it up for the very funny, the one, the only
Zakir Khan.
This was enough.
You did according to your capacity.
Recently a problem came up at home.
I am sharing it.
It is personal.
We all need to talk about this.
This is very serious.
Papa is on Facebook now.
Did you feel bad?
I mean
I tried to avoid it.
I tried to stop it.
I tried my best that this doesn't happen.
He used to ask me to open a Facebook account
So, I asked him
Do you have a passport?
He said that it got expired.
Then, I told him you cannot open one.
But now papa is on Facebook
He has added all my friends.
All those scoundrels are getting married.
They are celebrating at their reception and no food is
cooked at home.
What is this trend of wedding photoshoot all about?
I have all boys' school friends.
They never had the skills of doing love marriage.
So, they are doing arranged marriage.
Even then they are getting a photo shoot done.
It has been only three days you got engaged.
And only two weeks that you have started speaking with her.
I don't understand
The photographers have guts
They are trying to capture candid moments..
..of couple who are getting arranged marriage.
Because this kind of setting can only have awkward moments..
..forget candid moments.
And on top of that these people have changed all wedding customs.
I went to a friend's marriage.
Everything was different.
So, he asked whether we were performing a dance for the Sangeet?
I said Sangeet ? All aunties dance a little bit 'Bano teri...'
And that's it.
He asked me don't you know?
where were you for all these days?
I said I was out for 3-4 years.
He told that everything has changed.
I asked have they changed the syllabus?
He said completely.
It is fine till the friends perform.
Why do bride and groom have to perform?
And don't let the bride and groom dance together.
As it will look embarrassing.
Because 95% boys don't know how to dance.
And the rest 5 % are bastards.
They would dance like
Tere bin ??
Jiya naiyo lagda ??
Mein taan marjawan ??
There itself.
beside him the bride is standing
And she is giving a killer performance
She goes
Le ja le ja
Groom's parents are trying to hide themselves.
He is not our boy.
Amongst all my friends the biggest bastards are the boys' school guys.
Even today their problems have not resolved.
If you go
Anyone who has studied in a boys' school?
Look this is the calling of loneliness.
My boy's school friends
who are settled in US & Canada
they text me late at 3:00AM in the night,
which I receive in the afternoon very serious issues,
If your friend messages you late in the night, it means
he's in deep thoughts, thinking.
And by that serious talks,
The conversation ends in three lines
He texts, "Hi, how are you?"
I write back, "I'm fine"
next question
"Did you find 'THE ONE'?
The problem in our school was that till 5th grade the campus was different.
Morality was completely different.
In 5th we became big brothers.
We were shown a lot of respect
Teacher's used to talk
Mr. Khan you are 10 years old, you should behave responsibly now.
Absolutely sir.
Mummy please give me my bag I have to go to the office.
Yes
Once he even said that you are almost an adult.
Our rules were completely different
Once a 4th grader called someone a dog.
I scolded him. I said hey! Do not abuse.
After 6th grade we all came to a different campus.
It was a different world all together.
Imagine one of your NRI cousins
Ones who drinks Bisleri water
Oh my God India is so hot.
Imagine him. Pick him and put him in The Gangs of Wassaeypur
The way he will be shit scared
Guys, we really didn't know what was happening around
I can't tell you what's happening here.
Men studying in 12th grade are roaming here.
They have these moustaches like Danny
And their testosterones have no parity.
They don't know what to do with them..
..they are banging their head against walls.
And abuses are flying left, right, centre...
Like you have landed in pochinki in PUBG.
From everywhere
Left right center
One of the 12th boys is standing on one end of the school,
his friend Batra is standing on the other end of the school,
in the middle Vice Principal and two sports teachers are standing.
That guy is calling Batra from the other end Hey Batra, you sister f**ker
Batra also replies yes f**ker I'm coming
We thought they might get really punished for this.
Everyone just overlooked it.
Vice Principal and teachers went
we didn't hear anything
No not all
Our school kids
No. No
What are you talking about?
Every class has a boy.
And his crime is really petty
But he is punished as if he was roaming
Because of you
You fish rotten fish
The whole class feels for him.
That he did not do such a bad thing
For which he is being punished.
That's me.
I mean, when I was in 6-7th grade I knew 11th and 12th boys.
Because During their board exams they used to be outside the class
and I always used to stand outside the class
I used to say hi Devashish how are you?
They used to say. Do you always stand outside?
And in boys' school nobody used to complain about anyone.
Nobody tells anything.
One day we bent the fan out of shape
Why did we do it, we don't know.
I swear I don't know why we did it
I too want to know
Personally, I want to go back with time machine
And know what were we doing?
Why were we doing?
Anything used to happen in the school
The school had a round building.
Inside there were all classes.
And from top floor, 9th A one could hear
Dhoom dhoom Chak
Then the sound started coming from the top 2 floors.
Dhoom Dhoom Chak
Within 7 seconds the whole school new which is the next line
Everyone together
Poor teachers are writing on the board
We will
Teachers were startled
what happened
I don't know what mass mentality
That too such coordinated mass mentality
Nobody used to prompt
Nothing
Turned the fans out of shape
So now listen to the answer
Next day the Vice principal came and asked
What is all this?
Why did you do it?
Now listen to the answer
He says sir when we went they were straight
When we came back they were bent
They would have turned because of the wind
And this is the class monitor
So, forget about the backbenchers and the scoundrels
Anything random used to happen
Once upon a time, when I was in 7th standard
I kept my Math workbook ready
For once, my Math workbook was complete
I got it checked.
The rarest moment of my life
I got it checked and everything's set.
So I'm talking to my friend Anuj Chowdiah
Anuj is the topper of the class
He said, Tomorrow I'm attending a wedding.
I won't be able to settle my bad
I asked him, what does that mean?
He exclaimed, you don't know?
I asked, what exactly is it?
He explained, I basically arrange the books in my school backpack
as per classwork, schedule and requirement.
I said, "what are you talking about?
You tell me, right?
He said, yes we can do this!
Till now, like a fool, I have been lugging my school backpack around.
If I hadn't spoken to Anuj at that moment,
I would've suffered a spinal injury so far.
And that moment I spoke like a real diva
"I'll clean everything"
So I opened my school backpack,
as I inserted my hands in 4 bats came flying out.
All the junk came out pouring.
A book from my 3rd standard
My 1st standard cursive writing guide
Then the one complete and checked math workbook
I threw it away, saying I'm done with this.
Next day, I reached school like a prince
I felt like a floating feather
I was elated.
My school backpack was that light. Bouncing around like... ??
The math teacher entered angrily in the classroom
And announced, "Everyone get your math workbook ready"
And all the incomplete workbooks will be signed with a teacher's remark.
Whosoever's math workbook is incomplete
And mine's all checked
And the teacher moved around the class checking everyone's workbook
And during the check-up there were complete and incomplete workbooks.
And the teacher stands next to me and demands me to open the workbook.
I said "I don't have it"
But it's all checked.
Completely checked
She demanded, "copy"
I said, "I left it at home"
Teacher said. "okay, okay, okay..."
So give me your school diary.
I asked, "What?"
What are you saying?
No, no, no, no...
I saw determination in her eyes
I saw a decision in her eyes
that I'll sign a remark in his school diary.
So that an example is set in front of the entire classroom.
That you don't leave your math workbook home
Now I have two remarks and if I get another one,
My father will be summoned to the school.
And I'm not scared of my father.
I don't have a problem with them calling my father
My problem is,
I have to go back home. With the same man my father.
Which I think is not safe.
And my father is the innocent type of music teacher.
Cow, he's the God's cow
But for me he's Bruce Lee
I'm requesting the teacher to not give me a remark
But this is a boy's school
So everyone's judging me now.
You're not a man!
What what?
Most of the time you don't feel like taking a stand.
But the public in general is fucked up.
So that moment I decided that I'll handover the school diary
But the school teacher thought
I wouldn't hand over the school diary to her that easily.
And I'll have to steal it from him
And she pulled it off my hand
And my grip wasn't that tight
Three somersaults.
Teacher's look good spanking kids.
They don't look good lying face down on the floor.
Entire class started giggling
But, she fell and I went to pick her up
Ma'am, ma'am...
Ma'am, I told you not to write a remark
And, this isn't my fault
I didn't do this on purpose it happened by mistake.
And that time, the sports teacher entered.
And I don't understand
Sports teacher's they are good at sports which are not played at school.
In the sense, the school has a basketball court
and the sports teacher is a tennis champion.
So! You can't even verify his authenticity as a teacher
And the sports fraternity think
all the beautiful women in this school are their property.
So they roam around school with that attitude.
Who is the coolest guy around?
It is me!
Who setup this city, me!
How do they breathe, because of me!
The sports teacher entered casually
He saw the math teacher lying on the floor
I'll pick her up
And their English is broken.
Madam what happens? What happens?
No, no! Tell me what happens?
What will the math teacher say to this? ??
No, nothing happened
But I witnessed the incidence
So he understood, it's me.
If I were to be some other student
He would have slapped him and asked him to be seated on his bench
But it was me.
He suggested an exemplary punishment
He wanted to set an example
He thought, no, no, no
You won't get slapped
This student, will be standing the middle of the school foyer.
Like you can mark me as the centre And draw a circle around it.
With his hands raised up
This kind of punishment in the history of this school was never given to anyone
If I were anyone else, he would've slit his wrists
But this would've happened if it were an co-ed school.
But this is a boy's school.
This is exactly how it happens in a tribe
If you're powerful they worship you
Nobody got punished this way before.
So, mister. I'm receiving offerings.
Like I'm standing with my hands raised
And I see an object flying towards me
And it fell here
5 star
From here, An éclair
And after 5 minutes there's a pile of chocolates around me.
During the recess I made my way out.
And students are making a way for me
Like "Bahubali! Bahubali!"
And I didn't understand anything why am I being so respected?
My crimes worth was of that of a pick pocket
But I am being respected like (a revolutionary Bhagat Singh)
And the 11th, 12th standards boys are asking me
Sir! What have you done?
Sir! Sir! Sir!
They were addressing me as sir! What have you done?
My crime(for the punishment) that I said. I cannot disclose it
And they went crazy.
Haw! He can't even disclose it!
Boy's school is boy's school.
When you're from Boy's school, the first thing you learn about is 'Manhood'
There are those who learn machoism in 12-13 years..
..in boys' school guys learn it in 4 years.
Machoism's basic rule is men have to be brave.
One fine day someone will ask
are you a man?
Yes
That's it from tomorrow you become brave.
What will that mean?
You will not get shit scared.
It's a great thing.
Next day I get out of home.
I see four dogs. And I am scared.
I went back and I said I am still scared.
He said this is called machoism.
You will get scared but do not tell anyone.
While playing cricket
balls are hitting your balls
And the boys go
Hunh hunh
They are sweating
Sweating
But they wouldn't say
That its paining please someone else come
The medical assistance come and ask did you get hurt
So, he goes where?
Didn't the bat hit the ball?
I thought it got connected
If there is fun, there is a lot of pressure cause of pretentious machoism.
A big turn came in my life.
When I passed 10th grade
Papa told that you have a very bad handwriting
You must become a doctor
When he read my writing
He said son no one will be able to read your prescription
No one will be able to buy even a paracetamol looking at this
You would become a great doctor
You have the skill, only thing you need is a degree
He said since you have to prepare for PMT
Join some coaching
he said you have to change the school
we need school with less timings
so, I was admitted in a co-ed school
This is a normal school
There is no problem with the school.
But a person's history matters a lot
Where has that person come from makes a big part of who that person is?
So, I came and I had come from a boys' school.
As I entered I could feel a sweet fragrance
Look I know the smell of the sweat that runs down those mustaches.
This one was new
Fragrance of flowers
That was the first time I understood
That girls have fragrance in them
And when you come from a boys' school you know exactly that
this is something different
Early morning 7.30 school
I reached school at 7.15
It's new, nervous boy
I quietly kept the bag
Saw 10-12 people in the class
2 boys are arguing at the back of the class
2 boys are arguing
I was minding my own business
One guy kept hand on other's shoulder and said it is okay man
This guy in rage dashed his hand
And the other boy hand got hit against the table
In anger he blurted out are you a bastard?
As he said this, the other people in the class exclaimed
Hunh
I swear
So, this guy, who said it, realised and uttered
Oh shit
Seeing all this I burst out with
Hunnnhhh
Seeing this I hid under a bench
I was like what place is this, friends?
What kind of a world is this?
After 2 minutes I saw folded cloth in boys' hands
I asked what is this?
They said it is a handkerchief.
I asked why have you folded it and kept it
They said to wipe something
I said okay okay
They asked don't your parents give you a handkerchief
I said yes they do
But we don't wipe with them
They asked then how do you clean?
I said
They asked then what do you do with the handkerchief
I told
Tie a knot on the ends
Soak it
Co-ed school has girls
In Bio Angels
And the angels had a princess
Whose name was Natasha
And Natasha was so beautiful that
So beautiful that you start thinking that this girl
should be my girlfriend
She should be my wife
But Natasha was so damn beautiful
That I didn't have that emotion
My first emotion was to give up
I said these things have nothing
Let's leave it
Nothing will happen
It is just a waste of time
Let's go!
Everyone in the world used to hit on Natasha
People were crazy behind her
And beautiful girls after a point of time
come to know that this world is a fucking place
So, she didn't use to talk with many boys
Except the new comer
Sakthi!
I have melted a lot that is how I have become tough
Natasha used to talk only with me
Then we started going for chemistry coaching
We used to stay together all the time
For the whole day
And some people's personality is so over powering
That when you stay around them
I don't know whether it has happened with you or not
Probably it has happened with me
Might have happened to you too
All the time you feel
Jhanjhan jhanjhan
Right
Do you remember?
Whatever she used to tell
I could understand everything
This is happening
That is happening
He didn't like a guy called Nandkishore
Nandkishore was earlier her classmate
but when I had come he had taken commerce and had gone to another class,
he was her classmate
He was a tall guy
Those guys whose height just shoots up in the summer vacation of 9-10th grade.
Remember?
After that for 4-5 years they don't know how to walk.
They don't know what to do with their feet.
They are randomly moving their feet
And Zakir
Enjoying?
I said you mind your own business
She used to say
What is the problem with Nandkishore
He talks into your mouth
He should at least brush
I said you are right
Mister,
However strong group of boys you have
10 or 5 together
I am saying that
a girl who you don't hit on
bring her to your group
it is very important
request her, plead in front of her
ask her to tie rakhi
but bring her into the group because when she comes
your personality will evolve like anything
that thing cannot happen when men stay together
Man is such a fucking lousy tribe
We don't want any kind of change
I went to Indore some time ago
Came back from the US
Called up my guy friends
And asked them
Assholes where should we meet?
Everyone is doing really well, good jobs
I thought they would suggest some hotel
He goes let's meet at the tea stall
In 15 good years they have not changed their hangout place
Then I called my girl friend
She called up you have come to Indore so let's catch up
Tell me, when can we meet?
Let's meet for lunch or dinner
What would you like to have?
I said I want to eat Indian
So, she goes I ate Indian food for lunch so I can't have it again
Can you see the difference?
Those bastards can you hear the difference?
She is not repeating a cuisine
These people couldn't find a different place in these goddamn 15 years.
I am having a good time at coaching
Life was hunky dory
So in the class there was this rumor that someone will get beaten up
I thought I will go
Let me also see who is getting beaten up
Nothing happened I didn't see anything
Nobody knew anything, Nobody got beaten up.
Anyways I used to stay with Natasha
So may be I missed out on something
Nandkishore came to the class
And Zakir
he is in commerce what is he doing here
I asked what's up Nandkishore?
He said did you have fun yesterday?
I said in general
what is your specific question?
He asked didn't you meet Karan?
No, I didn't
I said who Karan?
He said you don't know Karan?
I said please tell me if Karan is some place's Amitabh Bachchan.
He said Karan is looking for you to beat you up.
Me?
What did I do?
He said he will only tell you once he meets you.
I said okay, okay, okay
I asked who is Karan?
Then I saw him.
If I blow he will need to comeback
Don't judge him looking at this
He has a gang of 22 people
I busted into laughter
He has a gang
Who are those 22 fuckers who follow him?
He said it is not his gang it's his father's gang
I said oh! This seems to go a little out of hand.
I said okay, who is his father?
You don't know his father?
I said you only tell me
Don't fool around that you don't know this one or that one
His father is a murderer.
He has done 3 murders and is in jail right now.
I said okay, okay, okay.
what does your father do
let's not talk about irrelevant things
Next day we went for coaching
Unfortunately, Chemistry teacher's son was taking the class.
Suddenly Nandkishore enters the coaching class
What was Nandkishore doing in Chemistry coaching class?
He says
Sir please send Zakir
Had he been an old sir, he would have shooed him away
Whatever you want to talk do it after the class.
Get out
This young teacher chickened out
He pinned it on me
Zakir
Yes sir
do you want to go out?
There is a thing called survival instinct
She is sitting beside and stopping me to go out
Don't go out they might throw shoes on you.
Avoid
He is saying right thing.
Had I heard of survival I would have got saved
Whatever the situation be
But men have this fucking thing
Because of which 99.99 problems are happening in the world
And that is Male ego
This guy sitting next to me said
What are you talking about?
Don't listen to her
You ought to go out
I asked why?
He said men are supposed to be brave
I said right this I have also learnt
I know this
He said Men face the challenge
Go out
And he has challenged you in front of 60 odd people
When did he challenge me?
This is how you get challenged
I got out
I thought he would stand there at the door
I stood at the door
Nandkishore said come on
I said what is the matter
Tell me here only
I said say it here He said
He said no, he wants to meet you in the deserted lane after these three lanes
Okay okay okay
I mentally prepared myself
Okay. I will hit Karan with my elbow
If he attacks me
Look we all are heroes of our own stories
We all want to win
I was fully prepared
As I moved towards the lane
Only a distance of 50 meters was left
As I crossed that line and I could see that lane
my heart sank into my stomach and my lungs busted out
as 25 guys were standing in the lane
My survival screamed
Listen just run right now
I turned and started running
That very moment someone grabbed my hand
I said Nandkishore leave my hand
Nandkishore said I have not grabbed your hand
As I turned I saw the male ego
He asked where are you going?
I said to save my life.
What are you saying?
So many people have seen you
You have made the eye contact
Now you cannot run away
Men face it
They don't run away
I said. Men should actually run
You stay healthy cause of that
People are not running
That is why so many people are getting heart attacks
I went into the lane
There are around 25-30 guys standing
Someone has a stick in his hand
Another has hockey
Someone has a pole
Yet another one has a bat, stumps
And Karan is sitting on his bike in the middle
He is smoking cigarette
If he is smoking like this
It means we can still talk
But Karan was smoking in maddy style
Someone came and told him
Zakir has come
he put off half cigarette on his speedometer
A complete show off of the rich
Fuck I don't mind picking up the smoke from the floor
Put off half cigarette
Swagger
Karan jumped from his bike
As his feet didn't reach the ground
He jumped
Walked two steps. And stopped
Then he took out Dilbaag from his pocket
How many of you don't know what is Dilbaag?
Alright
You know Vimal right?
It is his younger brother
Basically, it is one kind of tobacco
It was a 5 rupees packet
And it has so much tobacco in it
Even if I give 4-4 of it to each one of you
Half of it will be still left
That one
There are some people who are very fond of eating tobacco
They eat 2-3 grains after dinner
Or after having a drink just to change the taste
He used to eat tobacco
To make sure he gets cancer
So he took out Dilbaag
He tore it and ate it
Those who eat tobacco know
There is a style to it
He didn't throw the packet
He flipped it
Now I have a problem
I was raised in such poor surroundings
That I didn't even have 1-rupee coin to toss while playing cricket
So for most of my life I tossed with the tobacco pouch
Because on one side it is written in English..
..and on the other side it is written in Hindi
See only the poor ones are clapping
And why not
Fuck let everyone know
What have we achieved
25 boys have surrounded me
5 boys have blocked my way on the road
My life is under threat
Neither I have ever had a fight
Nor I have ever got beaten up
Anything can happen at this moment
What should be running down my mind at this moment?
What is going on in my mind?
I am thinking English
English, English, English...
Hindi
I said it is an unlucky day
He came towards me
said
I said yes
He said
You
I said yes, me
Why do you complain your sister-in-law about me?
Why will I,
Complain about you..
..to my sister-in-law?
Firstly, I don't have a real elder brother
Moreover, I have cousin sisters-in-law and they stay in Ahmedabad
I haven't even spoken to them for 3 years
I said look my sisters-in-law stay in Ahmedabad
And I have never spoken to them about you.
I have just come to the school
Why will I talk to them about you?
He started laughing
Did you get it?
Forget me the one standing behind didn't get it.
Everyone is wondering
I said
Okay. Let me explain
He says
Why do you complain about me to my girlfriend?
I said I don't know your girlfriend
I don't talk to any girl
Why will I complain about you to your girlfriend?
You know her
I asked who is it?
He said Natasha
I went crazy
Just like in CID episode after he gets slapped he admits to tell
All clues start connecting together
I was like
And all clues start connecting together
For 4 months Natasha never told me she had a boyfriend
She tries to be very hygiene conscious and this what she found?
Now the conversation changes
Now it was not about Karan it was about betrayal in friendship
I hangout with you the whole day
At least you could have told me that this is the guy
Whatever
You met did not meet
Could have given a few references
Natasha?
I told forget everything
Tell me specifically what did Natasha tell you?
He said that I cannot tell you
Tell me what Natasha had told you
He said why will she tell me anything?
I asked why?
He said I do not get to talk to her.
I thought have you gone mad?
Then I understood that it was like a universal sister-in-law concept
Where the sister-in-law herself doesn't know
how many brothers-in-law she has?
Guys get happy just like that
The one just went was mine
Fucker
Then I tried to control the situation
I said look Karan
Natasha and I never talk about the goons and gangsters
I said that honestly, I have never spoken anything like this to her
So one of those oddballs
Asked from behind
Swear on your mother?
I said I can swear on my mother
Male ego clearly refused
survival said please you have to swear
I said sorry I can't
he pulled up his sleeves
I said swear on my mother
I didn't say anything else
And since I had sworn on my mother
It was the heights of truth
I had told all the truth
He said look you have sworn on your mother but
Are you getting it?
You have sworn on your mother so
Technically we cannot beat you up
I sighed
Tension free
While I was just thinking this
he slapped me really hard
But I feel like doing it
When someone touches you, with all their might,
and without your consent, you feel really bad.
My limbs went numb
Body stopped responding
I am feeling angry
feel like crying
feeling scarred
I am feeling all this
But I am showing none of these
Of course
A little thing like this says so much about us
we try and show everyone
that everything
is alright
90% of us boys when get slapped do not stroke our cheek
We fix our hair
If someone says how can you take the beating
Why were you standing mum?
just ask fucker were you standing there?
I just could manage to say one line
My voice was breaking
I cannot cry in front of these guys
My hands are shivering
I said
You wanted to hit me, you did that
Can I go to my home now?
If you are satisfied now should I go?
But because they were 20-25 boys
I left from there after 10 minutes
I reached home
Mummy and papa are taking a nap in the afternoon
But today
Both dolls were up and about
Papa is reading the newspaper
And mummy is peeling garlic outside
Creating a mess
She only has to pick it all
I am crossing the veranda
Just then my mother looks at me
She asks how did your pant tear
Earlier it used to tear from here
I said no it hasn't
She said not from here
From the knees the stitching has come out
I said this
I fell down from a bike
Her elder son fell down
She got up and came to look closer
Asked where else did you get hurt
She saw this side but didn't see anything
But this side hand was bruised,
elbow was bruised
shoulder was bruised
she asked how did you fall from the bike
that you got hurt on both the sides
Though I didn't say anything
But answer was exuding out that the road squashed
Just then mum looked at my cheeks
Earlier they used to be flat
And now circumstances have made it like this
One could see a four-lane express highway this side
She says one minute
How come you have finger marks?
I said no no nothing
What nothing
Did someone hit you? Tell
Come on tell
And my mother is blabbering
And I am feeling weak
I have got beaten up
I am feeling really weak
Mummy is constantly asking me
And I felt like yelling at her
I don't want to talk to you
It's a sign of a weak-minded man
He tends to shouts on a woman
But I didn't shout
Because Papa was standing there
Otherwise he would have shouted on me
No one will raise his voice on this lady
except me
Dad just got up and left
He doesn't care about the story
He's sitting very indifferently.
Then my mother changed her tone
And once your mother starts asking you things in that tone
Even if you are 50 you won't feel more than 5 years old
Mummy started asking me
Baby what happened?
Did you fight with somebody?
Did someone hit you?
My little baby
Wouldn't you tell mummy?
You tell everything to mummy
my baby
you tell everything son
tell your mummy
all those who say a man cannot cry lie
we need someone who can ask us
Mummy made me so comfortable
That I told her that
Yes somebody beat me up
I saw my mother transforming
Her stole was put aside
Hair disheveled
Eyes burning like amber
Four arms forming
Trishul flying from her hand
Thick kajal
Tongue lolling
A garland of human heads goes flying around her neck
My mother transformed into Chandika
She too is a mother
It is a mother and son relationship
Don't feel awkward
That how a Muslim's mother transformed into Chandika?
Let this mother and son relationship remain secular
Post that my mother did the most embarrassing..
..thing in the history of motherhood
She took my hand and said
Come on
take me to them who have hit you
Point me towards his house
How can they beat you?
I will teach them a lesson
She was full of rage
We reached in front of Karan's house
She asked me, which house is it?
I showed it from afar
She reached the corner house of the third lane
Where is he? Take him out?
Do you go to school to become a goon or to study?
Look at my son's face is completely bruised.
Are these some kind of manners?
I stopped her mummy mummy
You keep shut don't talk in between
I said mummy this is not the house
She said why didn't you tell me earlier?
I said but you were not listening
She said shut up
Even your father tells me things incompletely
I thought now what can I do about it?
Your whole clan is like that
I was like
In complete anger Mummy reached in front of Karan's house
Where is he?
They stopped her. And asked
Did you take a token?
There's was a house of goons and gangsters
Everyday people used to come and shout
So they were distributing tokens
We were third in the line
He gave us a slip
They had put benches to wait
We went 5th
Two people even negotiated with my mother and went before us
They're asking, aunty, what is your case?
My son was beaten up.
Is he alive?
Yes...
The thing is, actually him... Beta, you go ahead
His brother-in-law was murdered
Okay, okay, okay...
So please let them go.
The last rights are remaining can you let them go?
My mother is like
Yes, yes for the last rights and everything the community should and will help.
My mother suddenly became understanding
After 5-6th person my mother went inside
They had made this stage
My mother got performance anxiety
She was standing there in an awkward manner
Is this the way
Tell me?
The whole anger got diluted with all that socialising she did
She said Is this the way?
Where is that boy?
Bring him out?
He has bruised my son's face?
You could hear people giggling inside
An uncle came from inside and said
You are absolutely right sister
We ourselves are really worried
He consoled her and sent her out
He pacified her
And sent my mother back
We were walking back home
I told mummy bygones are bygones
It is between you and me
Please do not tell Papa
My mother swore on sun, moon, stars, dust, grass, trees, rivers, everything
She said do not worry son
It is between you and me
How many of you feel that your mother keeps your secrets?
Do you feel so?
Okay okay
No one is a bigger asshole than you
Only for 10-15 people here
For your understanding let me explain to you
The man against whom you are trying to manipulate her
For two minutes don't think that she is a mother
Just think of her as a woman
For two minutes don't think that she is a mother
Just think of her as a woman
The man against whom you are trying to manipulate her
She is hooked to him for last 25 years
Who are you, teensy one?
Between them you have zero value
You were just 11 inches when they brought you home
And in that you used to poop 6 times
They used to look at each other and ask what should we do he has pooped
Who is going to clean him?
They used to lift your legs and clean your asses
Do you think this couple would keep a secret about this?
Till two-and-a-half years you are calling your mother to clean your poop
Mummy I am done
Do you think they will respect you?
As soon as my mother reached home
She told my father each and everything as if she was sewing..
..one pearl at a time.
Today was really unlucky
I was beaten up
Nothing happened when we went there
I took my books and sat on the table to study
I am analysing the right and wrong
I shouldn't have come out of the classroom
I should have held his hand when he slapped me
We all want to win
be it in the heart
But we want to win
I was trying to win in my head
So basically, I thought about one thing.
I cannot go to school now because I got beaten up
I have to become a thug there's nothing more to it.
I have to be a thug because I want to take revenge.
Who do I take revenge from?
All the 25-26 people and also their friends
So there are like 80 add people in the list
So I made a revenge list
And now I'm a thug and my revenge is also complete
I'm not going to school as well
So what do I do? I'll set up a business venture then.
I'll set up a business venture and earn a lot of money.
Earn a lot of money
A lot, a lot.
Then I'll be rich
I'll be the richest man in India
Then I'll go to USA
And I'll buy Los Vegas
I'll buy it entirely and I'll have sex day and night
No mister, I was just thinking
I'm pretending to study while thinking about all of this.
Just then my father came
He asked what happened?
Did something happen today?
I said no nothing at all
He said mummy was telling something
I asked what did mummy tell you?
Papa said no nothing
She was just saying that he is looking a little worried
I got it
I said papa it is just a little stress cause of studies
Alright
Now papa wants to have a conversation with me
When two men talk it is a very awkward situation
Because both have zero vs zero skills
Papa is also a little confused..
..should I address or shouldn't I that I know about it
It became awkward
And as I am a grown up now he wants to have a man to man talk
I am standing there
He too is planning what should he say
I am also quiet and pretend of reading a book
I said DNA RNA DNA
Then he asked me
Did someone beat you?
I said NO
He asks sure?
I said we just had a tiff
He asked should I come to school with you?
I said oh! Please
Don't do this
He said son if you have any problem please tell me
I said of course not
I said yes papa I will definitely tell you
I am so into a shell that he is unable to understand how he should tackle me
So he told me something
He said look son this is your learning stage
If you had a fight
You start sitting at home
You know how to sit at home after this
But how to go to school next day after this
You would not know
If you don't want to go Don't go
Do not pretend by putting up your uniform
But this is your learning age
And as many uncomfortable situations you face,
You will evolve more
You will get prepared for the future
Right now you are feeling that it is a bad day
Life is really long
It might get worse
But you have to prepare for it today
Do you understand what I'm trying to say?
No
Tell me in short
He said go to school
I know
I never move on with my life because my father caught up on my every basic plan.
I would've owned Los Vegas by now!
But, for that to happen it was necessary to miss the school.
He caught on
He said he'll drop me off tomorrow to school.
No, no..
He said no I will go
I thought that nothing should happen at the time of the assembly
As papa has come to drop me
As papa dropped me I went inside
I thought only 20-25 boys had hit me
And not the whole school
Who would come to know
And you know when someone is bitching about you
You get the feeling you have the intuition
The whole class is talking about it
You could hear the key words
Natasha
Karan Nandkishore
Zakir
Closed lane
Bat ball
Kicking summersault
Sewage
I am listening everything
In the second period Natasha comes to talk to me
I am busy writing something
Beauty gives you so much confidence that you can't even imagine
She puts her face between my face and the desk
Says Hi!
I wanted to tell her that I am getting all these beating because of you
I want to say this to all the girls
That you don't know about this story
But it is your story
You all are Natashas of your life.
But your Zakir has not told you
Please respect your guy friends
As your beauty enhanced
Your friends payed the price for it
The lip gloss that you put because you think your lips get dry
Its redness has our blood in it
I thought she didn't know
After talking for 5 minutes she tells me
Look don't walk too much
It will hurt
In 4th period Nandkishore came to the class
Says
And Zakir
What's your name?
Somnath tell me one thing
There are two people
One who has beaten you
And one who called you outside for the fight
Out of the two whom you should be angrier at?
The one who called you
Do you know
This is my personal theory
There is no science in it
That men has not advanced from last 900 years
We still live in a tribe from inside
All these are rules of the tribe
That we can tolerate death but not betrayal
It is such an awkward thing
That the person who beats us seems right to us
Means he is not morally incorrect
He said he will beat you
And he beats you
It is right
what is wrong in it?
It's absolutely correct.
Social science fails on it
You can be friends with the one who has beaten you up
I mean best friendship
Ohoho
I mean I should puke in his marriage
After a grudge of 2-3 years you have a normal friendship
He can be seen putting chairs on my sister's marriage
But you can never be friends with the one who called you.
Whatever happens
We can never be friends
Whatever happens I will never talk to him
Even if I am sinking
And he is the last person who lends his hand
I would shove him
Get lost it is better to die than to get saved by you
Nandkishore came and sat beside me
He puts his hand across my shoulder and asks
What's up Zakir
I said lay your hand off
He says oh attitude
Then he started teasing me
He got beaten up!
Do you know if you slap him he bounces back?
If you kick him on the stomach he does summersaults
I am scared
My hands are shaking I just want to get out
I want to escape
I want to get out of the classroom
As I was stepping out of the class
Someone grabbed my hand from the back
I said male ego leave my hand
He said I didn't hold your hand
When I turned back
It was Survival
He said if you don't give him an answer today
He will bother you for the whole life
Say it
Now the asshole I know the fuck
Dare anyone say anything
That time I didn't know what to say
I thought hard what should I say
So I said yes
So he teased that you got beaten up
I asked so/then what?
I didn't know that 'so/then what' has that much power
Whatever the talk is
If you say so/then what?
Statement just becomes null and void
If you say anything like
Nandkishore was such an asshole
Such a fucker
Even he too took 10 minutes to recover this
But did come out of it
He was a big-time fucker
He said. So. So. So
So did you enjoy it
I said no
He asked do you want more
I said yes I do
He asked do you want it now or afterwards
I thought what direction are these questions taking?
I said I want it now
He asked do you want it sweet or sour
I said sweet
Do you want it cold or hot
I said asshole
I told I will tell it in your ear
He said come on tell me
As he put his face forward
I slapped him really hard
And told him
I didn't enjoy yesterday
But I definitely enjoyed it today
After that his friends beat me up
That day when I went home
I saw my parents shivering
Police was sitting at home
And he was sitting relaxed
I thought even I was beaten up
My parents are sweating
Summon was for the neighbor
He did not pay his electricity bill worth Rs. 2000
His family has left the town
Because of this
electricity department got the police
Papa and mummy gave him 2000 rupees
He took it and left
That day I felt
They are not capable of handling my adventures
It happens that reality hits you
you are partying outside
yeyeye
and when you come home
your father is counting money
and says that there is not enough money to pay your fees
this moment comes
in all middle-class families this kind of moment comes
that moment came for me
I said to myself come back
Down. Down. Down. On the ground
Stay here
I thought I want to finish all this
I don't want to get into fights any more
I don't want to become a goon. Those are goons' kids
They have to do that for their whole life
I cannot do it
I am a teacher's kid
Early morning in the assembly
I went to Karan
I said Karan
And the whole environment of terror
Why should I live in that?
Let's finish it
Whatever it is right, wrong, good, bad
Let's finish it
I went to Karan
Assembly lines start forming a few minutes earlier
I went and told him
Karan I want to talk to you
Karan I want to finish all this
He said yeah so finish it
Ask for forgiveness
I said I am sorry
He said
Say it in Hindi
Your ego hurts big time
I said please forgive me
Again, from the back those oddballs kinds said
Fold your hands and say sorry
He said fold your hands and say sorry
Please forgive me
Now say that I will never talk to my sister-in-law Natasha in my life again
Alright
I said
I will never talk to my sister-in-law Natasha in my life
Karan told me do you know why did we hit you
I asked why?
Actually there are 2-3 more boys who flirt with her
Now when I have hit you
So now the right example has got set
I don't know from where I got this inside
I told Karan
Even I want to tell you something
Yes, tell me
I said I will tell you in the ear
He said ok tell
I gave him a tight one
Teachers came
Everyone was fighting
They are trying to rescue
As the dust settled
I saw my father standing at the gate
I went completely numb
I am totally gone
Talks are going on in the principal's office
After looking at all the evidence and witnesses
This happened That happened
My father heard everything
He only said
Sir on behalf of my son I want to apologise
Please give him one more chance
I had nothing to say
We got out of principal's office
Got down from the stairs
Came to the corner of the classroom
Here I have to go back to my class
And he has to go to his office
He has got late
He made me stand in front of him
Lifted my face like this
You did not think about my reputation
You hit in the assembly
And I had asked you to tell me
I was full of anger and rage
I told him Men do like this only
You don't know anything
He caught me
Said one minute
Do you think you did something courageous?
If you were courageous you could have told me
On the first day
Were you able to share?
I said no I couldn't share
You slapped him right
Yes I slapped him
What do you think was more difficult?
I said that
So are you courageous?
I said no
He said you are an asshole
Abuse from your father's mouth?
Do you think you have become a hero?
You haven't done anything great that your forefathers have not done.
I was like, what?
His father used to study with me in a government school
That time I also had slapped him
But I didn't want to became that kind of a man
That is why I have become this kind of a man
And I know I am way better than him
Alright
Next time if anything happens
Your job in the school is to study
Your job in the college is to study
And not to save lives
I said what are you talking about?
Really?
I want to tell everyone
All those boys and girls who go to school
Your job is to study
Rest your parents and teachers are responsible
People cut their veins
I was brave I could tolerate it
He said Don't live in fear
But don't even do all these things
Manhood is about expressing And not keeping to your self.
Go back to your class
You are the son of a lion. Stay like that
And if you have to apologise
Don't fold your hands
I have beaten all their fathers
It is enough to have one troublemaker in the house
I am there I will take care of everything
Go and study
And don't tell all this to your mother
Father?
My father?
He is walking like this
In freestyle
He is walking like this
What are you talking?
Really?
Tell me the truth
You know
When you are 5-8 years you think your father is a hero
In 9, 10, 11, 12 you find him okay
Then in 13, 14, 15 you feel It is okay he has just raised you
That day
After a very long time
I developed respect for my father
Say whatever
My father is a stud
That's it from my side
Thank you very much.
Zakir Zakir...